you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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