he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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