My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
