Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
