my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
