the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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