Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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