He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
