last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
