I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize