We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
