I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
