Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
