I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
