I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The air was thick with penises
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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