i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
