$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
