She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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