He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
