Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize