I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
