He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
