from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
