My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize