I'm laying in your front yard are you home
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
