I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
