I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
