She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
