My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
