Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
