I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
