she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
