the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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