More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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