The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
