I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
