this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize