so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize