who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
