The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
