Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
