How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
