whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
