i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
