you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
