god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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