Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
