Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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