The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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