So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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