Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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