Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
