We won't sleep together?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
