I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
