just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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