You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
