party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize