Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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