I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
